February 2012
1 post
January 2012
5 posts
I have been greatly missing everything about you, but today I landed on a realization that I am already all of those things.
Anonymous Survival Guide for Citizens in a... →
Things That Suck: a recent list of my serious bummers from a common source
when you create a new and harmonizing world with someone and share common feelings together about loathing the surrounding society world with intense desires to leave it, and your partner decides to actually leave it but without you, your remanding world gets knocked wayyyy off track
forcing yourself to fall out of love...
learning,
that strong feeling of something being so right that it couldn’t be wrong, could even be wrong.
TOSKA - Vladimir Nabokov: “No single word in English renders all the shades of toska. At its deepest and most painful, it is a sensation of great spiritual anguish, often without any specific cause. At less morbid levels it is a dull ache of the soul, a longing with nothing to long for, a sick pining, a vague restlessness, mental throes, yearning. In particular cases it may be the desire for...
December 2011
2 posts
when the days are short, i complain that i don’t have enough time. when the days are long and lack job responsibility, i spend them accomplishing next to nothing even if i have a long list of all the things i’ve always wanted to do with such free days. something is obviously wrong and i need to start really finding the life that i truly want to be living.
had a crazy dream that a bunch of people and myself witnessed a ufo land on the river before us. when the aliens came out of the ufo they turned out to be humans that just traveled in time to bring back one of an extinct monkey species.. (the something-nosed-monkey?) they walked around with ego-trips holding the monkey so everyone could pet or observe. super weird and didn’t like this dream.
There are four kinds of people in this world:
people who like you for the wrong reasons;
people who like you for the right reasons;
people who dislike you for the wrong reasons; and
people who dislike you for the right reasons.
And it’s only the last group you need to worry about.
November 2011
11 posts
when my heart breaks i become afraid of a lot of simple things. choosing music to listen to, cooking breakfast, certain hours of the day. this is ridiculous.
a realization was made that what was happening was really happening. i immediately felt like i was slipped some kind of drug. my insides felt as if i had swallowed a tube of fluorescent blue toothpaste. i wanted to vomit everywhere. suddenly i was left to be alone. i could feel myself actually become weightless and this made me pay attention to my sense of physical touch. there was nothing there...
get out of jail free card
“…you have one of the purest hearts I’ve ever had the pleasure of knowing. Honestly, never met a creature like you.” -sjfs
i wish i didn’t have to record this just to remind myself, but sometimes that’s all that can be done.
although by definition he was indeed a man, his presence gave no indication of a strict gender at all, or even a human for that matter. he was, for the moment i saw, a pure expression of honest emotions, and although strikingly naive it was as if he had not a single worry - that he was made of gold that day. he was obviously older: late twenties to early thirties, out of shape, plenty of facial...
this is how true love feels.
“If he is going to act that way he isn’t worth you even saying that. You’re the best person I know.”
“I fucking love you.”
“I fucking love you. Forever. No matter what.”
“No matter what.”
“No matter what.”
no:
frequent stressful and exhausting dreams
waiting games of lovers, feeling a bit let down
feeling like you need someone [is a foolish feeling most of the time]
reading derrick jensen books :(
yes:
mornings all to myself on my days off (veggie filled hashbrowns with runny eggs on top - my new favorite breakfast [reminder to self: don’t over do it], stretch sesh, cafe bustello coffee...
so, i’m having these bad days lately. but they aren’t the usual kind of bad days that i think are the most common kind people have. i’m not sad all the time or filling my head with false self-pity thoughts. no, it’s not totally like that. these bad days lately seem very gradual and persistent, with a feeling more real than ever. there is a steady inclining fog among them. i...
thank you’s to: awesome sunny autumn days, derrick jensen, intense mowgli love, continuous theodore love, new roommate i hardly know but shares the same love of roald dahl, new feels in an old space, creativity jolts, auntie lorraine for soon-to-be selling me my first car, mama, conversations/connecting with my bus drivers, talking conspiracies and politics with a frequent bus passenger...
October 2011
5 posts
holey moley, i sure love you!
want to be alone but also distracted by lots of people
want to stuff my face with food but don’t want a drop of it in my stomach
want to finally burst out a good set of tears but can’t get a good flow
there is no problem at all but i’m feeling all of its emotions
-case of the casual bummerz-
“”
– “I need to be clear that it’s not up to all of us to dismantle the system. Not all of us need to take down dams, factories, electrical infrastructures. Some of us need to file timber sale appeals, some need to file lawsuits. Some need to work on rape crisis hot lines, and some need to work at...
I need to get familiar with more materials so I can make images in my head become 3D!
September 2011
4 posts
hey, here's a rant
I hate that I stand out on the bus to and from work. I hate that I live in a place where taking the bus is such a financial status. I really hate that this low financial status is predominantly given to the black people in my area. I hate that the most. It’s such shit and aggravates me that there isn’t a more equal mixture of “races” in there, that I can’t ride the...
yes:
everything
no:
nothing
Why would you (I) ever want to hurt yourself (myself)?
August 2011
3 posts
I have fallen for a raccoon!
went to california for three weeks. traveled from san diego to san francisco, cut my trip short (was suppose to finish in seattle) because of some travel-partner difficulties and etc. met some real great people and saw some real cool stuff. really glad to be home and see some real great people and cool stuff here, too.
July 2011
2 posts
ACT IMMEDIATELY, goddamn it!
great question.
“If given the opportunity to live your life over and over again infinitum, forced to go through all of the pain and the grief of existence -
would you be overcome with despair,
or would you fall to your knees in gratitude?”
-Friedrich Nietzsche
June 2011
3 posts
“But there is no real me. Only an entity. Something illusory. And though I can hide my cold gaze, and you can shake my hand and feel flesh gripping yours, and maybe you can even sense our lifestyles are probably comparable, I simply am not there.”
Ending the night with some good old American Psycho.
For the past 8 months I have been, quite pleasingly, basking in the delectation of aloneness and I feel that I’m surrounded by most who are only doing the opposite. It appears a bit fearful that even a few hours with their own company is avoided perhaps because there is apprehension of the utter silence that one can create. Perhaps they are unhappy with their current selves, or perhaps they...
May 2011
2 posts
"I fear nothing. I hope for nothing. I am free."
This house feels so crowded lately. On and off, on and off. Growing so very bored of it.
But I’ve been feeling quite spirited lately with creativity tingling my senses more often. I suppose it’s from the two and a half hour journey I endure to get to work: one and a half hour for the bus ride out of the city, one hour for my aimless walk before reaching my place of work. Headphones...
April 2011
4 posts
Me vs. three snakes
I have had a few dreams lately about having to behead three pissed off snakes that somehow found a way into my home. Quickly, I had to conquer the fear of getting bit by one to at least save my curious cat from interacting with them as well as protect myself. I killed each of the snakes in different methods, which were almost intimate with images still quite vivid in my mind. After the slaying, I...
YES
solo dance spazzes to Elvis Presley for days / new hoop music
homemade coffee-nutella-milk-cinnamon morning drinks
listening to the music you used to listen to at age 15
overdue hour long phone conversations with your best friend
mornings with Big Mama Thornton
a thoroughly cleaned bathroom
big lamps on kitchen tables
pasta sandwiches for breakfast, lunch, as well as dinner
Daily headaches forever. My head is broken!
March 2011
2 posts
A few nights ago I had a dream that a very large motorcycle-gang man was robbing me inside my home and none of my friends that were over even noticed to help. I had to fight him out the door on my own. Hmph..
I wish I could bring who I truly am everywhere I go.
February 2011
6 posts
“And above all, watch with glittering eyes the whole world around you because the greatest secrets are always hidden in the most unlikely places. Those who don’t believe in magic will never find it.”
– Roald Dahl
The slower you take to arrive, the more you’ll see on the way.
